Cine-Madness

I was sifting through my drafts and i discovered that i hadn't posted one of them.

Freaking hilarious, dated many many many many months back in Dec 2009.

Good thing about my complacent moss-growing lifestyle during the holidays is that i am free to go out on outings. I caught quite a few movies in 2 weeks. I've seen the breath-taking Avatar. Absolutely stunning.

Today, the movies i'll be talking about are Bodyguards and Assassins, as well as Jay Chou's Treasure Hunter.

I watched Bodyguards and Assassins with YZ and Sean, and i spent the whole time shaking with uncontrollable laughter despite the show's somewhat gruesome nature. Why? Because we were sitting next to these 4 extremely vocal Chinese-speaking girls.

The following are some of their conversations that i heard, complete with lehhh, har, and wors.

Girl: 你看你看甑子丹是那个警察lehhh. (You see, Donnie Yen is that cop, lehhh)

Girl: 是wor.. 你又怎样知道的har? 这样厉害的 (Yes wor, how you know one har? So pro ah.)

Girl: Aiya 甑子丹 leh 我一直以来就 beh song 他了啦 (Aiya, this Donnie Yen leh, i damn long already beh song him liao la)

They seemed to know a great deal about the movie and kept discussing with each other about the plot with hushed voices.That was the beginning of the movie. Later, when more violence was introduced.

Like when Donnie Yen gets viciously slapped in the face

Girl: Ahhhhh!!

Girl: *flinches* *winces*很大力leh! (Damn powerful leh that slap)

Girl: yorrrr! 痛! (Yorrr. Pain!)

This happened during each of the big melee scenes with lots of fighting and stabbing and people dying. And they would scream their girly screams, and whimper, and chatter a load of nonsense.

Girl: 变态老来的！(He's insane!)

Girl: 我很 dulan 他啦 变态的！(I damn dulan him, he's crazy)

Wtf. On one hand they were really wimpy girls to be screaming during battles. But the words they use, the dulans, and the beh songs... I was just stunned. And obviously beside myself with laughter.

Girl: 谢霆峰! 很 cute leh 他, 你不觉得meh. (Nicholas Tse! He's damn cute leh. Don't you think so?)

Girl: 谢霆峰！不要死啊 (Nicholas Tse! Don't die!!)

Geez...

I guess it was just our luck to be sitting on the same row with the girls. Bad luck, or good luck? I don't know. I found them to be incredibly entertaining. XD

The movie itself however was not too bad. Would have been a tad dry without the 4 girls. LoL!

Next stop... Treasure Hunter. Jay Chou and Lin Chi Ling. Worst film of 2009! Don't watch it. Don't download it. Unless, of course, you want to laugh at its stupidity....

Treasure Hunter is something like a Chinese knock-off of National Treasure + the Mummy, with a half-assed storyline, lousy scripts, lousy acting skills, bad graphics and a whole lot of wanna-be-but-tak-jadi. To say that it has failed parlously would be an understatement.

Wannabe cool, tak jadi.

Wannabe include lil bit of comedy, tak jadi.

Wannabe CGI-effects-laden, major tak jadi.

Treasure Hunter has extremely poor character development, and no character background except for the main characters. So you will find inexplicable appearances of characters. Like that bandage mummy guy. He appeared, chucking his bandages left right centre. And then he exits. Just like that. Wtf! Who the hell is that guy??!

Jay Chou and Lin Chi Ling should go back to becoming a singer-composer and model respectively. No talent. Lin Chi Ling was especially awful. She's damn kayu. She's so bad that i was laughing. Can't cry properly. Can't act coy also. Can't act lovey-dovey.

The most hilarious part of the movie was when they were being attacked by this horde of riders who seemed to have been conjured out of sand and were raining arrows on them. 

And Lin Chi Ling said: Ke Pa! 

Which meant scary / horrifying. It's not those "omg, that's like, totally scary" sort of bimbotic Ke Pa! It was a kayu Ke Pa! Argh!! Who says that!!

A normal scriptwriter would have simply made her run for her life, dodging arrows and cowering behind a plank of wood. 

Or the act cool version would be her repelling the arrows with her kungfu, and kicking a whole plank of wood at the riders. 

Or the damsel in distress version would show her tripping over her feet and waiting for the hero to come and rescue her. 

Effects-laden version would show her summoning some guardian / shield while spinning in the air shooting fireballs.

Comedy version would involve either one of the above while cracking jokes or something. 

Why, la why, go and say.. Ke Pa!

-_____-"